So today's been a lousy day, partly because we're getting another 10 inches of snow tonight, but mostly because it's the anniversary of my darling Grandma's death. It was so typical of her to die on Leap Year Day, "Oh, I don't want you to be sad about me except once every four years." In any case, when I left the house this afternoon to run errands, I had a letter in my mailbox from a California State head honcho, letting me know I have unclaimed property in a retirement account that totals more than six hundred bucks! And this could not be more oddly coincidental because yesterday, I wanted to send tulips to my mom, to help ease the hurt of the anniversary of her mother's death, but the promo code didn't work and I do not have it in my budget to spend fifty bucks (!) on tulip delivery, so I had to trash the order. And now I find out that fifty bucks is less than ten percent of the "free" money I get to claim (if I didn't know about it, it's considered free).

So thanks Grandma. I miss you more than once every four years, I assure you.

LOST just keeps getting better this season. Tonight, we get to see Desmond with short hair. Ya know, he kind of looks like Ty Pennington!

Not much happened today except when we were in the car to get the boy from nursery school, I squirted what I thought was the contents of a sample pack of hand lotion into my palms, only to realize it was actually hand *soap*. Who gives out samples on hand soap, anyway? Monstro wanted to pull over but I had some napkins in the center console and was able to wipe my hands clean. At least it smelled good.

Rami's in. Chris is out. Human hair = nails in coffin.

I took my boy for lunch at a Chinese restaurant, after an ill-fated attempt to get his hair cut, and he was quite fascinated by the chopsticks on the table. "Open! Open!" he demanded, so I separated them and he had a lovely time stringing pretzels on them. The waitress noticed his progress and brought him some chopsticks that were rubber-banded together with a bit of paper serving as a fulcrum. She helped him eat the first bite of tempura, and then he went. to. town. By the end of the meal, he was successfully eating rice! Rice! The hostess, who was in her 50s, said, "I can't even eat rice with chopsticks." Very cool. And then, to cap it off, the fortune in his fortune cookie read, "You have a deep appreciation for the arts and music." Truer words were never written; you should see him color and dance.

Today, it snowed. Again.

I've been thinking a lot about food lately, and as I don't think I ever posted our Christmas dinner menu, here it is:

Obligatory green-bean casserole
Prime rib with Horseradish crust
Yorkshire pudding
Cauliflower gratin
proscuitto-wrapped figs (omiword these were soooo good)
Eggnog-pannetone bread pudding (this was not good at all; too boozy)

Mmmm. Lunchtime!

My adoring and adorable fans, I have asked my publisher if my book will be available at amazon.com or any other online outlet. Haven't heard back, but if the answer is no, I'll buy a carton of books and sell 'em out of the online equivalent of the trunk of my car for five bucks apiece, plus shipping. Probably be around seven dollars, total. I'll keep you posted, believe me.

The best Oscar moment to top all Oscar moments, ever, was when Jon Stewart brought the woman from Once (great film) back on stage to say her thank-yous. Classy, classy, classy. Kept me and Monstro from going to bed all ticked off at the orchestra conductor. Whoot!

I pretty much just had the best hour of my life. After going grocery shopping, I stopped in at a downtown Northampton bookstore/cafe and bought a copy of my book! Living in Northampton and Amherst 2008-09 looks great and even features a photo taken by moi on the cover. I brought the book to the counter and told the clerk, "This is my book and I'd like to buy it."

And then I went home and got laid. Pretty awesomely satisfying hour in the life of Motormouth, ohhh yeah!

The other day, Monstro and I were standing on the kitchen side of the baby gate. Monstro put his arms around me from behind and started kissing my neck. Then our boy ran up to his side of the gate, proclaiming, "Mutter! Mutter!"

At first I thought the German I've been speaking to him was starting to pay off, but then we realized what he was actually saying was, "My turn!"

Your Pilgrim Name Is

Love Bratteridge

Today I drove to Boston in the crrrazy snowstorm to hang with my MFA buddy Shannon. She's the admin for the big head honcho at a major hotel near Logan Airport so I had a lovely time enjoying the amenities of her fine establishment. Shannon's doing great after her health scare(s) of last year and it was SO GOOD to see her and reconnect with one of my San Jose peeps. We took the T to see her new "single-girl apartment", which is adorable, then had muy authentico Mexican food in her neighborhood, then rolled back to the hotel, had cookies and milk in the Executive Lounge, and watched "Juno" on the hotel's pay-per-view (or, in our case, comp-per-view). Lights out at 9:30. Pretty much a super-awesome day. Thanks Shannon!!!

Have you guys heard about the pastor who's exhorting the marrieds in his parish to have sex every day for a month? I think it's awesome. What a great exercise for Lent!!! :)

Ugh. It's Wednesday and I'm in the doldrums. Tomorrow I have a periodontal appointment, which might have something to do with my grim state of mind. Or maybe it's because I've been grading feature-picture packages for the past two hours and, for the most part, they're not great. Or maybe it's because Anne is visiting the Comtesse and I'm a whole country away and can't join their MFA-classmate fun. Or maybe because my dad is going to New Zealand and will probably get to see MY best friend (well, the best friend I'm not married to) while he's there.

I *am* looking forward to the weekend, though: I'm visiting my MFA buddy Shannon on Friday night, and then get to sit in a lawyer's office, taking notes and being quiet, all day Saturday. So, you know, things could be worse.

The good bloggers at ARE YOU LOCAL??? have launched a contest: send them a blog entry about you and they might include it in the book they're publishing. All profits of the book will benefit the "War Child" charity. I submitted "honk honk honk" and Monstro's latest piece, too. Go try your own luck; rules are posted here.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

Thanks Becky for the link!

We're on a Netflix subscription now, so we're taking a chance with a bunch of movies that've passed us by this year. Last night's selection was "Mr. Woodcock." Wow, what a terrible movie. The titular character is a sociopath who enjoys abusing the less-than-physically fit children in his P.E. class. Never are we given a reason to sympathize with the guy -- he's a horrible human being. Seann William Scott works the whole movie trying to break up his mother's romance with Mr. Woodcock. But then, at the end, he has a change of heart and, even though he's successfully broken them up, gets them back together. Which makes NO sense, because really, Mr. Woodcock is evil and I wouldn't want him dating my mom, I assure you. Monstro and Motormouth give "Mr. Woodcock" four thumbs down. Monstro believes it to be "evidence of the fall of Western civilization."

You Should Wear a Yellow Bikini

Like the sun, you radiate warmth and brighten up everyone's day. And while a yellow bikini is a bit strange, you have the perky personality to wear one!

...Monstro and I got "Beerfest" through Netflix the other day and it was a LOT funnier than either of us expected, and blew Superbad to pieces. If you're up for some riotous-yet-unintellectually stimulating comedy, I'd highly recommend it.

All last night I had dreams that I was being robbed, my mom was being robbed, my in-laws were being robbed. Now it's 2:20 in the afternoon and I'm a zombie. Even a half bar of chocolate hasn't perked me up. Time for a nap!

OK, so I'm a little late to this party, but one of my students told me about the Web site AnySoldier.com so tonight I spent an hour reading about the logistics and needs for sending a package to a soldier who doesn't get much mail. It's a very cool Web site and a great way to brighten a soldier's day. I cleared at least a foot of bookshelf space; I'm sending a duplicate copy of Snow Crash (LOVE that book) and Moby Dick (ditto), Bill Cosby's Childhood, plus Memoirs of a Geisha, Bee Season, a couple James Herriott novels, a book of after-dinner games, and a book of picture postcards of California.

Best of all, you only have to pay the postage to New York or San Francisco. Motormouth sez, "Check it out."

Sheesh, people... everyone comments on the kinky-dating-in-SF article I linked to, but nobody comments on the fact that our kid is two years old and read his first words this week. Tough crowd!

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone. A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people. Your flirting style: 100% natural What turns you off: serious relationship talks Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

The challenge: Get inspired by something at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Yeah, because THAT's hard.

Cut to the chase: Christian wins. Jillian gets to go to Fashion week, too. Sweet P is out. Rami and Chris both get to design collections, but before Fashion Week they'll each show their three strongest looks for judging, and the winner will get to show at Fashion Week. And, Roberto Cavalli liked Chris's best. All the judges griped that Chris's dress looked too much like his avant garde look, but jeez, Rami's shown the same stinkin' draped dress every week since the show began. I'm really glad Chris gets a chance.

Danish newspapers have reprinted all 12 of the Mohammed cartoons that caused such a furor two years ago. See them for yourself. Goooo, freedom!!!

The other night, I was teaching at the women's college and so Monstro had charge of the boy, who wanted to watch Raffi. We only have a Raffi videotape so Monstro had to switch the cables from the DVD to the VCR and set the television accordingly. Whenever this changeover happens, the words "Hi-Fi" appear on-screen.

"Fi," the boy said.

Monstro wheeled around. "What did you say?"

"Hi-Fi," said the boy.

Dumbfounded, Monstro pointed and said, "what's that letter?"

"Eff!" he said.

I came home at nine that night. "How old were you when you started reading?" Monstro asked.

"Two-something," I said. "Why?"

"Because your son can read!" he told me.

Pretty cool new trick, huh? Thank you, Sesame Street!

Oh boy. Thank Christ I'm not single.

Our boy used to answer any question with "No." Then we'd ask, "Are you sure?" He'd reply, "Okay!"

Now, in order to save time, he's developed some verbal shorthand. "Do you want a waffle for breakfast?" I asked him this morning.

"Nokay," he said.

Verrrry helpful, that boy of ours.

Our two-year-old is getting cantankerous about things that never used to bother him. He'll fight us pretty hard when we try to put his jacket on. This morning was no exception. A little Mommy-channels-Amy-Winehouse did the trick:

They tried to make me go to preschool,
but I said, "No, no, no."

Amy Winehouse put in a spectacular performance via satellite at last night's Grammy's, and I could not be happier about that fact. Do you suppose they showed her the Britney VMAs performance as a cautionary tale? Seventeen days sober and man, that girl rocked it. Woo hoo!!! See it for yourself by clicking here.

I have to say, it's great to be teaching again. I am so lucky to be teaching subjects for which I have genuine passion -- which isn't to say I wouldn't be happy to teach composition, but teaching media writing and digital photography makes the time go by so quickly! I had my adjunct orientation last week and the woman who ran it wasn't happy to hear I teach each class one day a week, rather than breaking it up. She seemed miffed that my boss let it go through without talking to her about it. Said boss wasn't going to let me do it, but I made a very convincing case for it in both classes, and viola!

I just finished grading the first batch of digital photography photos, and, with one exception, they're better than the first batch I got last year. I'd say they're off to a good start, though some will be surprised I took points off for insufficient captions. Hey, that's what happens when you take photo from a writer. They'll learn, though, they'll learn.

Every weekend, either Friday night or Saturday night, we have six people around our dining room table, basically geeking out and eating food that's generally too rich but never too thin. The first couple of times we hosted (and, as the only couple with a child, we always host, rather than pay a babysitter), I freaked out and spent hours cleaning the house. I've got it down to a mellow routine now, one that I thought I'd share with you:

Step One: get the Ryobi dustbuster and suck away all the cat fur from the hardwood floors in the kitchen, hallway, bathroom, dining room, and living room. I would use our regular vacuum for this, but our regular vacuum doesn't work at all on hardwood or lineoleum. Any tips for a vacuum that does work for these surfaces? I'm all ears.

Step Two: Wipe down all bathroom/toilet/sink surfaces with Lysol disinfecting wipes.

Step Three: Clear off the dining room table and wipe it down with disinfecting wipes.

Step Four: Empty all garbage cans. Ask Monstro to take out the garbage.

Step Five: Empty the dishwasher (having run it earlier in the day) and put the remaining dirty dishes in it.

Step Six: Wipe down kitchen countertops and stove with disinfecting wipe.

Step Seven: Use a lint roller on the upholstered chairs to remove cat fur.

Step Eight: Change out of yoga pants, put on a bra, and welcome guests as they arrive.

Viola! Nothing to it!

...which of the Project Runway Season Four designers showed at New York Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week this morning, this guy did a liveblog of the event: Check it out here.

The book I allude to in yesterday's Project Runway Liveblog is The Book of Ruth by Jane Hamilton. If you see it in the bookstore, even if it is in the remaindered pile, run away! Run away very quickly with your eyes closed, perhaps knocking down bookshelves in your path, to punish the bookseller for displaying such a horrible, horrible book. You should also do this if you see Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All and She's Come Undone.

Don't say I didn't warn you, y'all.

Project Runway: Wrestling Mania. Or maybe it's Jump-the-Shark Mania? It may just be that I'm in a terrible mood because the novel I finished reading 15 minutes ago was resplendent in its worthlessness to humanity.

Ricky pretends like he's not going to stick with his model, but he does. His acting skills are on par with his design skills.    more »

I was getting a drink of water at the gym when an elderly lady walked in. At first I thought she'd suffered a terrible fall, but at second look I realized, she's just been to church.

Monstro and I went to the gym for the first time in FOREVER today -- I kept myself away while I had the cough, for fear my workout neighbors might catch consumption. I rode the recumbent bike for 20 minutes. Then I came home and napped for two hours. I'm wondering which activity burned more calories.

So, didja vote? I did. It was pouring down rain but I braved the wet for democracy. (Ron Paul! Ron Paul! Ron Paul!) I felt bad for the people waving candidate signs. What a miserable day to be a Hillary supporter. :)

Tonight we are going to a Fat Tuesday pancake dinner, complete with a pancake race! This is where you race around a course while wearing an apron, holding a frying pan, and flipping a pancake. If you drop your pancake on the ground, you're out of the running. Monstro is going to make some goopy, rich, lobster-egg-gratin thingy. Mmmm....

...guess we shoulda had Bible study, after all.

OK, so the Super Bowl is tonight, and I'm scared to watch it. See, ever since Monstro and I moved to Massachusetts, the sports teams in the area have broken records and won world championships. They have done this all without me; I have yet to watch a complete game of ANYTHING since we moved here, and Monstro would rather read a book. So now, if I tune in to the Super Bowl, will I jinx our hometown team?

I'd figured this point was moot; we'd planned to go to Bible study tonight -- I'm facilitating it this year, we're doing Disciple III -- but last night, those plans were derailed when our pastor called. And when your pastor calls at 8:00 Saturday night to ask, "are we having Disciple tomorrow, or cancelling it so we can all watch the Patriots?" it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he's actually saying is "I won't be there, and neither will anyone else, so let's not have it."

I'd planned to go to church this morning to do a straw poll of our study-group, to see if anyone wanted to have it, but after being up half the night, uh, burning the candle at both ends after eating something that didn't agree with me, I wasn't up for it. I called the office and spoke to a member of the choir, who said she'd announce the cancellation.

Monstro had to go to a post-church seminar, though, and while there one of the women from our group approached him, saying, "So... we've been pre-empted!"

The game I'm most excited about today is the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl, and particularly the Kitty Half-Time Show. Great stuff. Bark bark! Meow!!! It starts at 3:00 Eastern time and I think will be re-run for most of the day. Motormouth says, check it out.

Monstro's birthday is Thursday so he's walking around asking everybody if he's middle aged. We're not answering him. Our game group met last night -- the woman who brought dinner included a homemade carrot cake (with homemade cream-cheese frosting) with the legend "All Hail the Game Master." Then I brought out his birthday present from me (a new hard drive, specifically for gaming), from the boy (Crysis), and his Valentine's gift (two gigs of RAM), and his anniversary present (a new fast-as-lightening video card with another 512 MB of on-board RAM). Kind of stinks that now he won't have anything to open on his b'day, Valentine's Day, or our anniversary, but his buddy is a Dell consultant and offered to do the installs for free, and I couldn't see dragging Russ over three times.

So, happy early birthday, sweetheart. Of course, now I won't see him for a month, as he'll be holed up in his study, killing baddies.

So I was driving to the health center the other day to make sure my cough wasn't pneumonia (it's not), and when I pulled off the highway I was stopped at a light and surveyed the following scene: Hillary Clinton supporters standing in the median of Highway 9, waving their red-white-and-blue "Hillary" signs and smiling, smiling, smiling. Across the street from them stood another flock of Hillary followers, waving similar signage and wearing similar smiles.

And between the two groups of supporters, in the middle lane, was a guy in a car that had crapped out. He had his hazard lights on and was on his cell phone, presumably to Triple-A.

And not one of the Hillary supporters thought, "Hey, we should help that guy out, or at least push his car out of the road so that nobody rear-ends him." They were all about the sign waving, and the smiling, but when it came to taking an action that would make a positive difference in somebody's life? Nada.

And I thought, If this isn't the perfect metaphor for Hillary Clinton's political career, I don't know what is.

The Recipe For Motormouth

3 parts Savvy 2 parts Sweetness 1 part Mania Splash of Bravery Serve over ice

...but now I'm found! It was 35 weeks ago until LAST NIGHT when we got a new episode of the best show on TV. Ahh, LOST. How I've missed you. SPOILERS AHEAD:   more »