Monstro, the boys, and I spent five days camping on Cape Cod. We arrived home today and the moment we hit city limits, it began to rain. Typical. Western Massachusetts is pretty much a rainforest these days. It's so green, I can squint my eyes and imagine I'm in Hawaii. Of course, I always did have an overactive imagination.

I thought camping would be difficult but it was actually spectacular. Our double-decker inflatable mattress assisted with this, as did no Internet or cell phone access. We were there with two other families from church and their kids were great about including Lex in their games. Babykins was teething pretty hard a couple of nights so our camping hostess rocked him to sleep on her decolletage, which is even more prominent than my own.

Lex and I are a little sunburnt -- pretty damn hard to keep 50 SPF on a kid who won't stay out of the water -- but we're being tough about it. Anyway, North Truro is the closest thing to bliss that Massachusetts has to offer. Highly recommended.

We were tasked with writing a satirical news article. Here's mine:

Jennifer Aniston Swears off Dating, Becomes A Nun

MALIBU, July 14, 2009 — Today Jennifer Aniston shocked the world by announcing her decision to become a nun.

“I’ve, like, dated a hundred guys, been dumped by the same, and the only one who’d marry me divorced me for Angelina Jolie,” Aniston said at her oceanside press conference in Malibu. “I figured the only guy left who wouldn’t dump me is God.”

Aniston will enter the Sisters of Inevitable Solitude at the end of the month. Mother Mary Can You Hear Me shared her feelings about the newest member of her flock.

“I understand that Miss Aniston is a smoker. We don’t grow tobacco leaves, so I expect she’ll have some transdermal patches packed in her luggage. We are, however, looking forward to her yoga instruction with our morning prayers.”

“We’ll be doing downward-facing dog for the betterment of humanity,” Aniston added.

Aniston, clad in a veil, black hood, and inky floor-length gown, fielded a question from the correspondent from “Vogue” about her atypical outfit.

“I haven’t gotten my habit yet, so I borrowed this from Warner Brothers,” Aniston said. “Do you like it?”

A reporter from The Huffington Post informed her that her outfit wasn’t a nun’s habit, but a typical Muslim burka.

“A what? I can’t hear you,” Aniston replied. “It’s really hot in this thing.”

Ex-boyfriend John Mayer happened to be on the Malibu beach, working on songs for his upcoming album “I’m a Doofus but The Women Love Me So Why Stop Now?” Mayer put down his guitar, scratched his butt, and said, “Yeah, Jen’s great. I’m sure she and Jesus are very happy together. With her track record, though, I hope he doesn’t dump her, too.”

The smarmy joylessness of Massachusetts has infected my very soul. I may never recover.

Kind of a false start today. Even with my new running shoes (thanks Mom), I just did not want to be at the track. It didn't help that when I turned on my iPod it told me to "Connect to Power." Ugh. I ran about six steps, then started walking and doing arm exercises as I walked. By the time I made it one lap, it started to rain. I took that as a sign that God didn't want me to be at the track either. So I left.

In other news, today I feel weighed down with about 540 pounds of "I hate Massachusetts" malaise. FM!

Too many days away from the track and whew boy did I feel it!

1x400@3:05
1x200@1:44
2x100@?:??

Was coughing fit to beat the dog by the time I left. Uck.

On Friday I decided I couldn't stand my office another minute, so got to work mucking it out and rearranging. Time well spent. Then on Saturday, I dug through my half of the closet and most of my dresser drawers and donated the resultant eight kitchen garbage bags full of clothes to Goodwill. We have a new Goodwill in my town and I'm an avid shopper there -- have bought a bunch of great clothes for the boys as well as a couple of cute things for myself. Last week I used my "avid reader" card, which gets me one free book a month. The book I picked up was from the organizer of that TV show "Clean House" and it details how to divest yourself of excess stuff, and why.

I'm not done yet, but I'm a lot closer, and the house is looking a lot better than it used to! I even dug all the books and magazines out from under my bed last night. It helped to have a package of baby-wipes nearby to wipe the lint and dust off the books and my hands.

I have a book of cartoons called "The New England Experience." Monstro noticed it on my bookshelf.

"The New England Experience," he said. "You open the book and it punches you in the face. And then it rains."

So Monstro and the boys and I were pulling into our driveway after church and we saw a man walking with a little girl around Lex's age. There aren't a lot of kids in our neighborhood so I asked, "hey, do you folks live around here?" The man said, "Yes," and I said, "We've got a little boy around her size." Lex and I disembarked and went over to them. Lex immediately started talking about fireworks and I introduced him and myself. He introduced himself and the little girl and I said, "Where do you live?"

"You know," he said, "I don't think I want to answer that."

"Uh, OK," I said.

"C'mon Frankie," he said to the little girl, and they walked away.

Monstro thinks the guy was crazy. I just think he's a typical Masswipe.

I didn't actually intend to do 3.5 miles today, especially as I haven't run since Saturday's race, but right about the time I was going to quit, "Alice's Restaurant" came on my iPod, and the version I have is eighteen minutes, thirty-six seconds, so I did a few more laps. Before that, I was going to quit, but "Brick House" came on, and after that a Hanson remix, and I'll be damned if I'm going to wuss out to Hanson.

So, 3.5 miles, which included about three walking laps, so we'll say 2.75 miles running. Whoo!

I don't know if it was you who signed me up for the email list of the "National Black Republican Association," but if it was, take a bow.

Took mom to the doctor and got on the scale there because I don't have one at home because scales make me crazy; though my clothes are looser now and I can run FOUR MILES (whoo!), I've gained nearly two pounds. This is why I do not own a bathroom scale.

I thought I didn't hear the nanny right but it turns out that yes, there was a bear in the tree 10 feet from our family room! He was babyish but we didn't see the mama anywhere. We called our next-door neighbors to let them know they had a bear in their crabapple tree. He ate a bunch of crabapples; I think he went up there to get out of the rain but it rained like Hell so that didn't work.

Very cute little guy: black with a light-tan snout. In bear years I think he was probably a pre-teen, about 200 pounds. I'm surprised he didn't do a bunch of damage to the aforementioned crabapple tree, he hung out there for three-quarters of an hour.

Would love to upload pics but I didn't have time to get a USB cable today. Say it with me and the bear now: "Grrrr..."

So, my day was exciting, but Becky's day was more so. Yo Beck: Lookin' gooooood. Becky for Senate!

I have baptism pictures to download from my camera and the frickin' USB cord is fried. Grrrr.

Oh well. Naptime! Or maybe more James Herriot dog stories. Probably the latter.

My allergies are en fuego this morning.

Last night, the cat slept on my face.

Coincidence?

Went on a nice, leisurely walk with Babykins. Now that our Super Jogger stroller has two new tires, we'll be all ready to hit the trails. But not today. :)

... that my Haircut of Doom is starting to grow out. Praise Jesus!

So I summoned up my insanity and signed up for a four-mile road race. Got my number (37) and a shirt that's too big but that's OK. Surveyed the talent and it looked like my wish not to be last would probably not come true. The race started around 8:30 on a bit of a downhill so it was nice to start off with gravity on my side. I quickly made it to the back end of the pack and the cops had to re-close the road when they saw me coming. The first mile went great, the second was the only spot where I walked -- there was a long hill and I walked about the last 100 yards of it -- and then ran ran ran past Smith College, past the high school, past Childs Park and around the park, down past Nuttelman's Florist (Hi Mary! Hi Chip!) and down Prospect and down another street (this is where it starts to get hazy) and then finally down the finish-line chute. Whoot! Now I would like to take a nap, please.

I felt like a 5k would be too, pardon the NSFW expression, pussy style, so I'm running a four-mile road race tomorrow morning.

What the hell, right?

Cross thy fingers.

"I'm so blind, bats resent me."

... if you're a SPONGE!

Easier day today:

800m walk
800m run
800m walk

Started with Peter, Paul, and Mary, then heard some Fugazi, and ended with the Police. Not a bad set.

"I did it! I'm so amazing."
--Lex, upon fitting together two puzzle pieces

This is the weather report for the next TEN DAYS in my town. City. Town.

Tonight
Jul 1
Scattered T-Storms
76°

Jul 2
T-Showers
72°

Jul 3
Isolated T-Storms
77°

Jul 4
Isolated T-Storms
79°

Jul 5
Partly Cloudy
75°

Jul 6
Isolated T-Storms
77°

Jul 7
Scattered T-Storms
76°

Jul 8
Few Showers
79°

Jul 9
Isolated T-Storms
80°

Jul 10
Scattered T-Storms
82°

Also, right now, there's a Flash Flood Watch in effect. In other news: Massachusetts SUCKS.