We were tasked with writing a satirical news article. Here's mine:

Jennifer Aniston Swears off Dating, Becomes A Nun

MALIBU, July 14, 2009 — Today Jennifer Aniston shocked the world by announcing her decision to become a nun.

“I’ve, like, dated a hundred guys, been dumped by the same, and the only one who’d marry me divorced me for Angelina Jolie,” Aniston said at her oceanside press conference in Malibu. “I figured the only guy left who wouldn’t dump me is God.”

Aniston will enter the Sisters of Inevitable Solitude at the end of the month. Mother Mary Can You Hear Me shared her feelings about the newest member of her flock.

“I understand that Miss Aniston is a smoker. We don’t grow tobacco leaves, so I expect she’ll have some transdermal patches packed in her luggage. We are, however, looking forward to her yoga instruction with our morning prayers.”

“We’ll be doing downward-facing dog for the betterment of humanity,” Aniston added.

Aniston, clad in a veil, black hood, and inky floor-length gown, fielded a question from the correspondent from “Vogue” about her atypical outfit.

“I haven’t gotten my habit yet, so I borrowed this from Warner Brothers,” Aniston said. “Do you like it?”

A reporter from The Huffington Post informed her that her outfit wasn’t a nun’s habit, but a typical Muslim burka.

“A what? I can’t hear you,” Aniston replied. “It’s really hot in this thing.”

Ex-boyfriend John Mayer happened to be on the Malibu beach, working on songs for his upcoming album “I’m a Doofus but The Women Love Me So Why Stop Now?” Mayer put down his guitar, scratched his butt, and said, “Yeah, Jen’s great. I’m sure she and Jesus are very happy together. With her track record, though, I hope he doesn’t dump her, too.”